My Infomercial Rant (& Parody)

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussions' started by italiansupernova, Feb 19, 2005.

  1. italiansupernova

    italiansupernova New Member

    I'm sure a lot of you absolutely hate infomercials. And whether or not you'll actually admit it, some of us have actually ordered something through an infomercial. My parody is specifically directed towards those offering some form of life enhance via "enlargement", weight loss, etc. & at the same time takes a stab at the many side effects of prescription medication. Here we go..

    The starter of this thread, me, makes no specific claims as to how humorous you will find this threat. Hateful reprise and retaliation will be ineffective as I will have fled the country for fear of retribution as a result of starting the aforementioned thread. Good day to all.

    The above is the modified station disclaimer that, in not so many words, says "Hey, this people pay us some dang good money to advertise, but we don't care what they sell so long as you buy what they're selling. And if what they're selling doesn't work or kills you, don't blame us."


    Life got you down? Feel like there's no hope? Fed up with feeling sad all of the time? No friends? Then you may be suffering from "Mylifesucksitius". Mylifesucksitis is a very contagious illness that can affect all of those around you.

    People will soon tire of your poor attitude, your excessive baggage of guilt & somber mood. You'll see that people will stop talking to you, call you names, and avoid you at all costs.

    HAVE NO FEAR! Hello friends I'm Dr. Tom Jerry (usually decked out in a white medical jacket with a stethoscope). It wasn't until I began suffering from a severely negative attitutde that I discovered "Lifesucksitus". I've spent the last 6 years (actually it was 6 minutes, it's just that those crafty marketers dubbed over the "years" part). While simple in form, it had always been complex to treat... until now. (Simple in form? It doesn't even exist... but, you're not supposed to know that) Lifegood contains all-natural moose urine, which has been shown to significantly reduce the signs of Lifesucksitis.

    So, don't wait! Order now and receive our special bargain! Order one, 3 oz. bottle of Lifegood, and receive a second bottle for twice as much!

    (insert corny actors with rave reviews here)

    Lifegood.... it's just that good.

    *disclaimer* (<--- Generally spoken in a ridiculously fast tone or shown in small enough print to make Superman wear bi-focals.)

    Lifegood has not been approved by the FDA and probably never will be. We strategically sent this mail to all non-FDA employees and family members. Side effects may include, but not limited to, anal chapping, hair loss, penile shrinkage, growth of a third, non-functional nipple on your hand, oily discharges, nose bleeds, brain haemorrhage, bleeding gums, tooth loss, sensitive hearing, psychosis, erectile dysfunction, uncontrollable lactation, muscle tension, spontaneous combustion, hallucinations, drug addiction, liver deterioration, congestive heart failure, and excessive bed-wetting. Most of our test subjects symptoms were moderate to severe. Lifegood Inc., it's employees, and affliates make no claims as to the effectiveness of this product.

    *WARNING* This product contains Moose Urine which has been found to contain absolutely no clinical or medical value. We just thought it sounded good. Suing Lifegood Inc. isn't an option because by the time you develop symptoms, we will be operating under a different name, marketing a different product.

    I'm anxious to hear other infomercial rants, etc.

    P.S. It's kind of hard to enjoy freedom from allergies when the side effects include diarrhoea.

    P.S.S. In all seriousness, though, I really do think that the FDA & FCC should/could do more to regulate infomercial products. Long time infomercial personality Kevin Trudeau is now prancing around like consumer advocate fairy with his new book "Natural Cures They Don't Want You To Know About" in which he claims their is a natural cure for, among other things, cancer & herpes & how the drug companies "don't want us to be cured so we'll have to take their drug for the rest of our lives". In his infomercial he does take quite a few stabs at the FDA for the very reasons I just mentioned.

    Lastly, UNDER ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCUMSTANCES am I advertising Kevin Trudeau's book or any other natural remedies or products. I trust that everyone will excercise good judgement and consult a physician before considering any treatment methods natural, or otherwise.

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