Chronic stress as a person who asks the best of themself in every situation

I would like to use this ocassion to talk about chronic stress and career goals and how they may be linked to each other for some people.

Ever since I was little I have always felt a big pressure to outperform other people.
To deserve admiration.
That started when I was like 6 years old.
In the first year of middle school I always put so much time into my homework to end up with grades like 93% or more.
That continued over the rest of middle school and so my grades were good enough that I was advised to study Latin and Greek in high-school.
I was verbally skilled, great at algebra but somewhat weaker at geometry.
So that's why classic languages seemed like a good option for me to teachers.
I indeed scored well in the first year of high-school and in the years after that my grades remained decent but what has never left me was the urge to demand more from myself than was realistically possible.
Wanting to run before learning to walk, basically.
Impatient for the outcome to such a high degree that you want to accelerate it at whatever cost.
I often stayed awake at night to finish projects to such an extent that they would be deemed meritorious and that people would admire my work. That was very important to me.

Then I went to college and I was taken with cancer.
This was a year in my life that deeply disturbed my entire future.
I felt more agony from not being able to perform to my best ability than from the treatments themselves.

I still managed to achieve great grades but ended with a GPA of 2.33 because I got the equivalent of a D+ in some courses.
I never thought that that would hunt me so much but I usually try to leave that degree from my cv because it feels like my weak spot that can be uncovered any moment.
Even though I still obtained the degree and a 2.33 is not the end of the world I feel betrayed by myself sometimes for this grade.
I didn't think about it for years but now that I'm in the middle of admissions again, I'm staring myself blind on it. Feeling worthless over it. Disgusted that it's so low.

I discussed this with friends and they didn't understand the struggle.
I was told: ''you obtained the degree, why does it matter that your GPA was low if it was good enough to graduate?"

Answers like that leave me frustrated.
For a lot of programs master GPAs are not counted. The statistics only take up the undergrad GPA and in such a case I sometimes feel like it would have been better to not earn the degree at all than with that GPA showing.

Is there someone else on the forum who still feels hunted by one of their negative work or academic experiences years down the line?
How did you get over it?

I feel like I'm making myself overtly depressed over something that shouldn't matter so much at this point in my life.
I have a good job and great options and still, I can only look at my shortcomings and I usually don't want to see my qualities.
Do you recognise being overtly critical for yourself?

 

Hello!

Well, yes, I seem to know this feeling. "Mellowness of age" is something I have experienced since my mid-30s, and maybe you could start with asking yourself these questions: Am I really defined only by my grades? And, more important: Who do you want to impress, anyway?

Best regards,
Mac Juli

 

I've worked in many countries and in many different cultures. One thing I really admire about Americans is they are not in the least bothered by failure. In fact, Americans embrace failure by learning from their mistakes and being better the second time around. This is the complete opposite of the Asian culture I grew up in (where there is shame if you fail or perform worse than your peers).

As I've worked and studied with Americans for almost 2 decades, I've embraced the American viewpoint as my own. Failure is a good thing and I've learned to embrace it because it teaches me what not to do later on.

Lastly, Americans mostly DGAF about what others think of them. They just listen to their inner voice and follow their own path. Those attitudes on fearlessness and believing in oneself are stuff I really admire about Americans and that's probably what's driving them to consistently innovate and take huge risks.