Not in the idiomatic sense of becoming enraged, but in the literal sense of diminishing faith in the fanciful unseen that once was almost, but never quite, palpably real to me. Until very recently, I thought that my elaborate, painstakingly constructed rationalizations were evidence that I wasn't a typical, hopelessly credulous, true believer. I had proof! I had logic! I had... I had... I had deep emotional scars from early events in my life that left me with gaping holes in my heart and a profound desperation for everything my religion claimed to offer. I might not be anywhere near as smart as I used to, mistakenly, think I was, but even if I were, no amount of intelligence is strong enough to win the fight against cognitive bias. I have to not only be willing to accept harsh realities, but to cultivate an indelible desire to be proven wrong- to relentlessly attack my own ego when my ego proves to be the archenemy of objective reality. I no longer believe that my religion is the true religion. I no longer am convinced that there is any way of verifying what such a hypothetically true religion would actually look like. I have run out of reasons to keep telling myself and others that God, if God even exists, has ever revealed Himself (Herself? Itself? Themselves?) to anybody, at any time, and in any way. All I know is that I am currently living the only life that I can prove that I will ever live, and feel the urgent need to start making the best of it before it passes away as unceremoniously as my faith in something greater has. Why would I ever share this here? What could possibly be the point of doing so? The same reason why I make any of my off-topic posts. I've stayed on DI for so many years now, less for the info than for the community. I like you guys. Also, typing in being text and being an anonymous user help me to feel more emboldened to say things that I have trouble saying to people in real life. I guess you could say that this post is a test-run for many difficult conversations that I will have to have with people that will not be anywhere near as understanding as I know most of you will be. Thank you for being my anonymous internet friends and for taking the time to read my meandering babble.