I need help to understand something friend is so conflicting

I have a friend that I have been talking with and he asked me to help him when it comes to his sexuality. As a friend I told him I would be happy to try and help. I know that this isn't a regular topic on this forum but I don't know any other places to seek advice or opinion.

Examples:

He for the longest time was confused about his sexuality. So I would ask him questions and he would answer them. On the one hand I asked him how he felt about guys and if he would do something with them and he stated "If I were out of town and my family or friends (privacy) that there would be a 40% chance that he would do so." I got frustrated with him because he would go back and forth on it all the time. On the one hand sticking with the 40%, and then saying "I felt that way but now I don't feel that way any longer."

He finally after much length of time (a few years now) he has finally admitted that he's bisexual. I asked him this same question -- how likely are you into guys or would you do anything? He stated, "I would say that there would be a 5% chance that I would do something with a guy."

Now we made progress which was a few weeks ago that he admitted his sexual orientation. But, now he is stating that he never sees himself doing something with another guy. But, he still does admit that he's bisexual.

He had brought up about a singer and this guy is in his mid-20's and he said I can't stand Justin Bieber in November 2010 and I asked him why and he stated, "I don't think that he is talented and should win all these awards, and that he is not hot as all these girls make him out to be." A month or so passed, and I was with him and he stated that do you know who sings that song and I said yes Justin Bieber. He said that he likes this song (around December / January 2010). And, when we were later talking (February 2011) I told him that his movie is getting rave reviews. He states, "I think that Justin Bieber is talented not as much as Justin Timberlake or Usher, but he's definitely talented and he says that I think he's hot." We go to his car afterwards at this time he has admitted this, and he plays his cd and knows the exact number to the song and blasts the music up in the parking lot and starts singing word for word the song. This was strange to me.

He will say that he thinks that some guy is hot and then say later that he doesn't think the guy is good looking. As you can tell this pattern continues. I do believe him when he says that he's bisexual. However, this pattern continues even after he has admitted his sexual orientation. I don't want to make this long, but before his admitting his sexual orientation in an example he will state when asked if he would do something with a guy, "No I would never do something with a guy" and then in a matter of minutes randomly say out of the blue, "If I were to do something with a guy I would bring him back to my place."

---End of examples

My thoughts

Here's my dilemma. I want to be his friend and to help him out. But, it has come to the point of no return. He keeps reverting to the same behavior. I have addressed these concerns to him countless times and it continues. When it comes to other topics such as what kind of music does he like he's consistent and other topics.

In evaluating the situation, if this was something that was just recent such as a month in length, 6 months in length, or even a year I could understand that there would be confusion and so forth. However, this has been going on for almost 4 years now and he certainly should know by now how he feels. And when he says that he's bisexual -- he's admitting that he is sexually into both girls and guys. I understand that he could be more into girls than guys. But for him to say that he would do something with a guy and then say he wouldn't doesn't make sense.

These are my thoughts. His responses of saying he's into guys and then taking it back sounds like on the one hand he is into it -- but that when he thinks about it more he rationalizes and says that he would never do anything with a guy.

And when it comes to the Justin Bieber thing I could see him changing his mind about his talent because of a song that he likes, but to say that he's not good looking to all of a sudden he's hot -- how could that change over a song?

I feel like he's not being straight-forward with me and it's like lying to me.

Here's where I need your help

What are your thoughts on all of this? Why do you think he keeps conflicting with himself and do you feel that he is really trying to say? Are there others who have dealt with a friend like this? Any opinions and views would be greatly appreciated.

 

Well I hope to be able to get some opinions and views on what I posted. One can only do so much and sometimes it's best to get help as this has been going on for a long period of time and hope to get some feedback.

I apologize that the post is long but I wanted to give a good picture of what has been going on and believe me there's many more examples but the ones that I've covered should give the overall behavioral pattern.

Just a note, I have asked him if he wants to talk with a professional or counselor but he says that he only feels comfortable with talking with me. And incidentally he has only disclosed his sexual orientation with me.

 

First of all, I would apologize if I offense anything. Have you ever seen him being relationship with a guy or girl? If you have not...then it more likely he is gay, but still in the closet. If this is the case, he feels a little comfortable forward to you to express his feeling; however, he is not sure if you're ready to except him. He is afraid his friends, family, and the society not accepting him.

My brother in-law was in the same boat. He had a girlfriend in High School; in fact, they plan to married. However, after that he left her and being with a guy. My in-law family was surprise, and never wanted to talk to him again. My wife banned me accepting his friend request on Facebook.

 

Speaking of Facebook I'm glad you brought that up. One time when I was at his place he showed me his Facebook and some of the people that were sending him friend requests. The ones that he didn't know he would ask if I knew them and he stated, "I would never accept a friend request from someone I don't know." This was almost a year ago (probably 8-10 months).

A couple weeks ago we met at a restaurant and we sat down and he pulled his phone out. He mentions this one guys name and doesn't know who he is. The profile is completely private and he said "I guess I have to accept his friend request to see who this is, or if he knows one of my friends." He proceeds to go through first the guys pics and looks at everyone of them. Then he reads the intro to me and all. He states "That's what I don't like about Facebook is that people you don't know send you friend requests and I am or should delete them."

Next, he states "That reminds me another dude sent me a friend request but I think that I deleted them off my list." He goes through his friends list and lands on this other guys profile and looks at his pics and then reads his profile out loud. I didn't mention anything but found it odd that he would accept their friend requests when he doesn't know them at all. The guys are attractive and young. He has had other friend requests from people he knows and never showed any other profiles to me just these two guys. I decided not to say anything at the time but would on a later occasion.

A few days later I bring up to him I want to talk with you about why you showed me those friend requests on Facebook? He got defensive and says "Wow do we really need to go there?" I mentioned to him that he had said in the past that he would never accept a friend request from someone he doesn't know. And he said, "Yes that's true." I also stated that you had said that you didn't like that about Facebook that people you don't know can send friend requests and that when you had accepted these friends that you had thought you deleted him and that wasn't the case, and he also had stated that he would delete the other one.

He said, "I am going to delete them but I can't from my phone." I researched this when I had gone onto my phone and discovered we both have smartphones and that Facebook does allow you to delete friends from your phone. He stated that you can only do it from a computer.

I had thought about this more and when I went to his Facebook these guys are still on his profile. My thoughts are that if he accepted friend requests from attractive and young guys that he doesn't even know that this demonstrates that he is definitely into guys and that this is a pretty good test of it. And why would he show me these two guys profiles only? He didn't show me others that he was friends with and this again is where he is conflicting.

I don't mean to be long but trying to get perspectives on what I have written initially and on this one as well. Oh and I do agree with the previous post that he does have a hard time with what society thinks and wants privacy. That has been brought up on many occasions.

 

Your friend is definitely having a crisis about his sexuality. Truth is, if we base it on religious points of view, it is considered to be a sin. However, we all have our own free will. So it is his choice whatever he wants his sexual orientation be as long as he is ready to face the consequences.