I think I really need to learn a lesson that I shouldn't give loans to friends or family. My parents regularly borrow money but if I had to make a sum up of all the money that was eventually '' forgotten '' then I would be rich by now. How do you react to friends or family borrowing money? I usually allow it because I feel guilty that they are my parents and put me in this world and provided for me. But technically I shouldn't feel such a moral guilt because if you put kids in this world you need to budget for them until they are 18 years old. I hate it that some parents think that because they provided for their children, the children need to pay them that back in some way. That's such a wrong reasoning. Providing for your child is a natural bond arising from nature. That doesn't mean your child should '' pay you back '' imho. What I find the most annoying about loans to family or friends is that they react in an angry way when you just ask back what belongs to you. Every time that I asked money back and that I left a few weeks between the loan and the ask-back I was met with angriness. Isn't that a reaction that people use when they want you to forget about the lent money? I think it's a subtle way to say : '' stop asking, you never get it back " What is your stance on giving loans to friends or family?
My parents are always super clever when they try to justify not giving something back. '' you shouldn't love money that much! Jesus despised the Pharisees for loving money ''. People like that always make you LOL. They use whatever they can to gaslight you into keeping what belongs to you. That's why I hate giving loans to friends and family. You are always the bad one in the end. Either for eventually getting your money back, or for never getting it back and refusing to give out another loan.
While it’s unfortunate to hear, I’m thankful you recognize and are cognizant of the gaslighting. Family is important, but your own well being is important as well. Family members who are adults are also responsible for their own financial well being, it’s not your responsibility or obligation. You’re at an age, or from what I infer, that you need to be building your career, optionally have a family, save for rainy days, but a house with no debt, and invest in the future. If you’re not golden with those... doesn’t matter how much cash you have in the bank, you don’t have enough to give or “lend” out.
I'm 25. They are 51 both. While I know it's gaslighting I always feel that '' guilt '' that they put me in this world and that I owe it to give them money. The sad thing with my parents is that they work full-time, earn very decent money but spend it on useless things (my mother bought expensive earrings twice this week). And then at the end of the month they are short on cash and turn to me. The funny thing is that my brother also has a steady income but they never turn to him. Because he would bluntly say '' no ''. They know that eventually I break and give them money. Recently I have been more holding back. Last time I clearly stated that it was the last time, no matter how much they would bug me for money. On one hand I feel sorry for them. They make good money and have nothing left at the end of the month. On the other hand, if you spend everything on new clothes from luxurious brands like Gucci and Lacoste that you don't need to live then it's no wonder that your pockets are empty at the end of the month. They have always focused all hope on me. Ever since I was a child. I always was expected to be the one who needed to '' save '' the family. However horrible that may sound. Last time my mother asked me to take a loan out for them in my name. They want a new motorhome to travel in the weekends. I didn't reply but I'm not going to go along with that because then if I want to buy a house I would be too much in debt to get a second loan for my own plans. I don't know why parents would behave towards their child like this. The weird thing is that they are not bad parents. But there is always this subtle : " I provided for you, so up to you to return it now ''. Think I will just say '' no '' next time they ask money. Lending money to friends and family always seems to end like this.
The reason that they are able to buy those things is because you're paying for them. You might think you're paying for "food" or whatever but you're actually buying the luxury items and they're buying the food. It might be very difficult, especially at first, but you need to stand your ground about not giving them money. How many necessary things are you giving up because they wanted fancy earrings that week? You probably could've paid for several Master's programs by now, depending on the extent of things. They may not be "bad" parents but they're not good parents either if they're forcing you to give up your own dreams just so that they can have a shiny new bauble.
Jesus, that's terrible. As a parent of three kids in their early 20s (and a 16 year old) all I care about is them getting a good start. Follow your brother's example and say no, no, no. If you do have extra money you should be investing it now while it will do you the most long-term good.
I used to give unsecured personal loans, but a few years ago I came up with something I think is better. - I will give secured loans. I loan you $500 or whatever, and you give me something of higher value and I'll give it back after you pay me. If you don't pay the entire amount back by a specified time I AM going to sell the item. If that happens and they want to borrow money again the answer is "Nope, it's just too much of a hassle to resell collateral." - I will give you an unsecured "loan". We agree in advance that it's a loan, with specific written repayment terms. In actuality, I'm considering the money a gift, and I'm not emotionally tied to it. Never going to hound you for it, never going to sue. If you pay it back, great, that same amount is available to you in the future to borrow. If you don't pay it back, whatever, but your line is maxxed out. Now, if someone comes to me and is legit in a bad situation, and we have a good relationship, I'll help. Bad situation would be like no food, homeless, no gas money this week. I'll fill up your tank or give you a big basket of food. If you're homeless I have a lot of camping supplies and you can set up in my yard for a while. Sign a note for a new motorhome? Man, if they even think that's a possibility I'd say you need to be HARSH in your response.
Absolutely! That's crazy. I'd rather eat broken glass than guilt one of my kids into something like that.
I know. I was shocked too that she even asked me for such a '' favor ''. Tieing your children to a loan that will last nearly 10 years. It wasn't a small motorhome either that they were looking for. They were looking in magazines with 100k$ motorhomes. That would mean I would be unable to take out a loan for a house if I wanted to because I would be too far in debt by taking out loans for them. A couple days later it was not only a motorhome again but also a jacuzzi and they were also talking about renovating their garage entirely. On one hand I feel guilty if I would refuse them that favor because they provided for me for a long period of time and they brought me into this world. On the other hand, it hurts when you see other parents of people in your life who want their children to save every dime they can to build a nice future for themselves and then you have parents who try to line your pockets as much as they can. A few weeks ago my mother asked to put 2000 euro in her bank account urgently because dad has a meeting for business today and he needs money to close the deal. Next day they show me their new expensive clothes. They bought expensive clothes to go to a wedding party of acquitances. I was so pissed but didn't make a remark. I felt used. When I asked my money back after she had borrowed it weeks before, a while back, she said : " Don't you forget that we provided for you for more than 21 years. We didn't have to but we did. We did more than we were obliged to. We fed you, bought you new clothes and sent you to school. All the money you loan us will never compare to that in the slightest. You are in debt with us, not vice versa. '' It hurt. I even felt guilty for having asked my own money back. A month ago I told her I was thinking about buying a new car. She said : "That's money thrown away. You should keep your money in your bank account, as much as you can. '' But for what purpose you wonder then... So that they can have a good time with it and leave me broke? They can't help it I'm afraid. They have always been horrible at managing money. They drive an expensive new Audi and struggle to pay of the car loan every month but they refuse to buy a smaller car. Because they are concerned what people will think of them if they went for a smaller, less expensive car. They buy expensive jewelry, new clothes, expensive watches, dinner dates and so on several times a week and when they meet money for serious stuff they are short on cash and turn to me. What hurts most is that they only do it to me. They don't do it to my brother because they know he would never fall for those games. A few weeks ago my parents were watching a television program about real-estate investments and how lucrative they can be. An hour later they called me. So I ask what's going on. This was the response : "You should put your money in a new house, renovate it, sell it for a surplus and then we can share the added value '' I was flabbergasted. Why would I buy a house and give them half of the benefits once renovated and sold, for doing nothing? It seems like they try to see monetary options in everything that concerns me. An entire day they are thinking about how they can escrow value from me. Sometimes I feel like the loser who allows their abuse. Because I feel used by them. I can't put it differently. Next time I'm going to draw harder lines. Because this got seriously out of hand.
I mean this in a friendly way, but have you considered counseling? You're trying to handle incredibly difficult emotional issues in late adolescence, particularly when the people who should be pillars of support are instead emotional blackmailers who are exploiting you mercilessly. It can be difficult and painful to take a step back and see the situation for what it is, which is why you're still saying that they're good parents even though it's very clear that they're not. Counseling can help provide that distance and clarity.
I have refused them money today. I'm low-key proud of myself. My mother asked 1000 dollars and I said I was tired of being their ATM. '' Clean up your own mess, mother '' is what I texted her. She is obviously being very poisonous now but I don't care. They are not getting a dime anymore from me. I have had it.
I can now better see how their behavior is abuse. It was good to talk it through with other people to reflect on how their behavior is actually toxic. I thought I had gotten so used to it that I didn't see anymore how abnormal it was. I think this gave her a strong message that it's over. I got back a '' Did I raise you? " , but that is gaslighting again and I'm not going to fall for it.
Good for you! 1000 is a LOT of money to ask of anyone. Especially on a regular basis. It'd be one thing if they were sick and couldn't work at all but for them to ask you for money just because they want new fancy things is just awful. I hope that you'll be able to make much better use of the money that you're now saving.
That is true. I would be embarrassed to ask anyone for that amount of money casually. Before they did it to me, they used to do it to my mother's sister. The sister went no contact on my mother. Makes you wonder why... I think they could benefit from therapy to help them manage money. I truly believe that they don't know how to manage money. In their eyes they are always society's victim. I felt so accomplished today for having done such a '' small '' thing as just saying ''no''. They will probably try again tomorrow but they will be met with the same answer. Eventually they have to give up.
Do not do business with friends or family. Do not rent houses to or from friends or family. Do not borrow from or loan to friends or family. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. If you DO violate these simple rules, do everything IN WRITING. Even in writing, don't do it.
