When I saw this heading, I thought you meant PETER French jokes?? That would be much more enjoyable. (I wouldn't really poke fun at you, Frenchie.) Kind regards
French Joke "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistressess and wears a beret. He is French, people." Conan O'Brien
More "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." Regis Philbin
Dave Letterman "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came into Paris under a German flag." Dave Letterman
Jay Leno "I don't know why people are surpised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" Jay Leno
The General "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." —Norman Schwartzkopf
SOLDIERS OF SURRENDER SOLDIERS OF SURRENDER! http://politicalhumor.miningco.com/library/images/blpic-frenchmagazine.htm
French Jokes Q. How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris? A. Don't know, it's never been tried. Q. What's the difference between a frenchwoman and a werewolf? A. The frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better. Q. How do you introduce yourself in French? A. "Don't shoot, I give up!" Q. If you're in France, and you're attacked by a very large dog, what's the best way to defend yourself? A. Step on it. Q. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? A. Linoleum blownapart. Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? A. Their army. Q. Why are French streets tree-lined? A. So the Germans could march in the shade. Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender. Q: What do you call 20 dead frenchmen in the back of a lorry. A: A good days hunting.
More More French Jokes Q: How many gears does a French tank have? A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear. Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman? A: Sunburned armpits. Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? A: A salesman. Q: What do you call 20 French politicians face down in the Channel? A: A start. Q: What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman? A: There are skidmarks before the hedgehog. Q: Why do the French Smell? A: So blind people can hate them too! Q: Why do the french call their fighter the *Mirage*? A: Because it doesn't really exist. Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armour on his back? A: Jacques Chirac Q: Where can you find 90,000,000 french jokes? A: In France A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
More.... Why are there so many trees along the streets of Paris? So the Germans can march in the shade, of course. Why are fireworks banned at Euro-Disney outside of Paris? Because, every time they went off, the French surrendered. Today, the government of France fell when Jacques Chirac unexpectedly surrendered to a tourist couple from Dusseldorf. The French are a vital part of the coalition. We need someone who is expert at it to show the Iraqis how to surrender.
More... George Bush, Jaques Chirac and Tony Blair all go hunting. At the end of the night, they are cleaning there game and having a drink when Tony Blair stands, throws a bottle of whiskey in the air and yells "For Queen and country". He then pulls out a pistol and shoots the bottle out of the air. Chirac stands and throws a bottle of champagne in the air screaming, "Viva la France". He, too, pulls his pistol and shoots the bottle. George, not to be out done throws a can of beer in the air and pulls out his pistol. Then he shoots Chirac and yells "It doesn't get any better than this". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are the President of the United States. Dozens of astronomers have spotted a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in three days, at approximately 3:30 a. m. EST. The meteor is large enough to wipe France from the face of the earth. France and the UN have requested that the United States immediately send all available ships and aircraft to evacuate the French population. Hundreds of thousands of French people are gathered on Omaha Beach at Normandy hoping for U. S. ships to appear on the horizon. The ships and planes you could send are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As President, you must decide: (1) Do you stay up that night to watch live coverage of the impact, or (2) Do you tape it and watch it the next day? WHY NOW? The U. S. "needs more time" to consider the request for evacuation. We need absolute proof that there is a meteor. The alleged meteor is not visible to the naked eye. UN meteor inspectors should be sent to astronomical observatories next month to spend 90 days carefully examining photographic evidence of the alleged meteor, and then present their findings to the Security Council. The reason for the request should be carefully evaluated, and the U.N. should be asked to fully debate the subject and then give UNANIMOUS consent to a resolution showing that the whole world supports the request. The U. S. should not act unilaterally, hastily, precipitously, nor preemptively. EVERY member nation should contribute ships to the effort before the U. S. takes any action whatsoever.
An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do). The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked. The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back." AMEN!!!!
Harry ... "Where are we gonna go?" Lloyd ... "...I'm talking about a little place called Aspen." Harry ... "I dunno Lloyd, the French are assholes."
