John Leo's column in todays Worcester Telegram is entitled Hostility Toward France And Germany Is All Over The Net . Here's a few samples from various cited internet sites: Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordian. Going to war without France is like a Texas barbeque without a croissant." Going to war without France is like going to Marine boot camp without some Liza Minnelli CDs. Going to war without France is like going into the ninth inning without your placekicker. Perhaps Bart Simpson said it best when he referred to the French as, "cheese eating surrender monkeys." Jack
The Complete Military History of France Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian. Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman. Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. The Dutch War - Tied. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three non-outright defeats in a row cause historians to correctly label the period as the height of French military power. War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved every since. American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: France only wins when America does most of the fighting. French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the lyrics for "Deutschland Uber Alles." War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: We can always beat the French. This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. War on Terrorism - Surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. Bruce
Q. How many frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? A. Don't know, it hasn't been tried yet. A joke told by my dad and a couple fo WWII vets.
According to the internet site Broken Newz: The French army is marketing its own video war game, Ultimate Surrender. To win, a contestant must give up without getting his uniform dirty or firing a shot. Then he must meet other challenges, such as pretending he is part of the Resistance. Another internet site, Scrapple-Face, contributes this report: "France today will introduce a new resolution in the U.N. Security Council giving Iraq 'only 12 more years to comply' with the U.N. resolutions of the past 12 years. This resolution is the hardest line ever taken by the French, and has driven a wedge between France, Germany and Belgium. The latter two nations support a competing resolution calling for, 'inspections forever, or until nothing is found, whichever comes first.' Jonah Goldberg of the National Review Online cites the mock sale on the internet of a "French clock" with the hour and the minute hands set at 11 o'clock and 1 o'clock, like arms raised in the surrender position. The clock is described as "unreliable, but the permanent 'hands-up' position seems to have worked for more than 150 years in France." You can never surrender too often or too early. Jack
Sorry Dennis, but I think I've spotted a typo. "Y"our finger punched the "y" key by mistake, no? Jack
We're sending 2,000 troops to Afghanistan instead. With over 1,000 in former Yugoslavia, that's almost half our army. We only have 9 battalions of infantry. The army will be crying for reservists and issuing rifles and web gear to spare sailors and airmen. Don't think we'll be around for the show. I think we're sending some more ships to the Persian Gulf.
OKOKOK, I was only kidding. It's a tough subject, I know. I'm just trying to inject a bit of humor to cut the tension. My best Charge Nurse just got pulled (he's Army Reserve). If I wasn't so worried about him I'd be worried about what we're going to do without him. Good luck to all, Jack
Well, as an American living abroad, I appreciate your stab at humor here. My wife, who tries to do her best ostrich impression about foreign affairs, even got a kick out of the above posts. While I abhor war at any time, I do support this one. And I find myself being forced to watch what I say about the war and about France. We are taking language classes and a fellow student is a high official of the Estonian Orthodox Church. He spent many years in France, with French as his language of choice (though he speaks several). I will be just about to make some "surrender-monkey"-esqe comment, when I will realize that he will be offended, so I reign it in and pass the opportunity. So anyway, I appreciate your posts here. And if the French don't like it... well, who really cares, its not like they are going to do anything about it clint
Question: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? Answer: A salesman. Question: What do you call 20 French politicians face down in the Channel? Answer: A start. Question: What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman? Answer: There are skidmarks before the hedgehog.
I agree, you should always hit the brakes if you see a frenchman on the road; otherwise you may damage your car But seriously, I have nothing against the french. I found these jokes in an article, and thought that they were amusing. Some radio station in Britain was in a huff because the producers edited out the french jokes, but left the british joke. What do you call a pretty girl in London? A tourist.
PISS on the Froggies! Load the statue of liberty on a C-5A galaxy and shove that bitch out over downtown Paris! -Buckwheat
My brother has a particular hatred towards the french. He told me that while he was in the Middle East (Air Force), the French military there gathered the most intelligence on the US. It was he that sent me "The Complete Military History of France," and also the following: The French change their system of government more times than the average French citizen changes their underwear in a week. That is not an unfair claim: the French are a filthy, disgusting people. Consider these statistics (many of which come from Le Figaro), and no, I'm not making them up: 40% of French men, and 25% of women, do not change their underwear daily; 50% of the men, and 30% of women, do not use deodorant; average British citizen uses 3 pounds of soap annually, average German uses 2.9 pounds, but the average French citizen uses 1.3 pounds - this means the average French citizen uses four or five bars of soap a YEAR and since this is an average, that means some French use more soap than that, but some use a lot less; 67% of French citizens said they brush their teeth twice a day, but Le Figaro did the math: if that were true, sales of toothpaste should be more than 240 million tubes a year, and not the current (1998) 198.5 million; Le Figaro cited experts who concluded that "more than one French person in two does not respect elementary rules of body hygiene." Filthy, dirty pigs. The French keep changing their government, but not their underwear. Remember that - government changings: many; underwear changings: few. The French are also cowards that cannot manage their own affairs. The writer James Cameron wrote that "The simple thing is to consider the French as an erratic and brilliant people, who have all the gifts except of running their country." Maybe this is why they keep handing over the country to the Germans? The most military casualties suffered by the French during World War II were in trying to prevent the British from scuttling the French navy after the French handed over the country to the Germans. That's right: they lost more soldiers fighting the allies in attempting to prevent the handing over of the French navy to the Nazis than in fighting against the Germans. Did you also know that the Germans occupied and held France with a military force of only approximately 35,000 soldiers? Then the allies liberate their nation - the one they handed over to the Nazis - and lose thousands of lives in the process. Then the United States, through the Marshall Plan, rebuilds their nation. Again, remember this for the future: we liberate France, a country that handed itself over to the Germans and set up a puppet government for the Nazis and was complicit in genocide with the Nazis, and then - after sacrificing countless lives to liberate the nation - we send over copious amounts of aid to rebuild the nation and remove the Nazi symbol from its institutions. And what does the United States get in return? The French complain with increasing regularity that America is evil. They decry globalization, which some call mondialisation (because while no one in their right mind would buy French electronics, automobiles or an important product such as a pacemaker, they still think that French words are more impressive). Did you know that some of the most popular books in France have titles such as "Who Is Killing France? The American Strategy," "American Totalitarianism" and the best-seller "No Thanks, Uncle Sam," written by a member of the French Parliament, who concludes, "It is appropriate to be downright anti-American." As one author has stated, "Globalization is just another word for 'Hey, Frenchie, maybe if you put down the fromage and made a movie that didn't involve an old Marxist professor hitting on his student — and her husband! — people might watch your movies once in a while.'" In sum, the French are filthy, disgusting and ungrateful cowards with no place in modern international affairs. And to conclude, as Al Bundy from Married with Children one exclaimed, "It is good to hate the French."
Fill it with raw sewage first, it might improve the smell. I think James Michael Curley summed it up best about the French, "Invincible in peace, invisible in war". Bruce
Well, maybe going to war with France is a good idea. It's closer than Iraq. We know for sure they have WMD's. We will win even faster. We can buy off the Germans by giving them back Alsace-Lorraine. The Turks can relax. Well, sort of. The Brits can have Calais back. The Strines can make 'em finally admit Australian wine is better at a fraction of the price.
