Alright folks, I'm at a loss. First, let me just get this out of the way - alcoholism is nothing new to me. My mom's father, my grandmother, my great-grandfather, a couple of uncles, even my own father for a stint, you get the idea. Well, today I had to once again call the police to conduct a welfare check on a good friend who lives out of state. This is the 2nd time I've had to do this within the past year. He texted me one of his infamous rants about being "done" with his job, the town he lives, etc. He's done this many times. Except this time he says "I am sick of everything. I told my dad I would rather die than with [where I live]. I am fucking done.. fuck life, everyone, assholes, pricks, and dickheads. See you all in the promise land. I AM DONE!!" I tried calling him, but it went straight to voicemail. I then called the local police for a wellness check and haven't heard anything from anyone. Assuming the worst hasn't happened, what in the world am I supposed to do when he gets out of psych hold (which is what went down the last time) or whatever it is? I've tried tough love having delivered plenty of verbal smack downs, I've tried the love and kindness approach, I've tried to encourage him to go counseling, AA, rehab, every thing I can think of and I can't seem to get him to be accountable for anything. He promised he'd go to counseling and didn't. He promised he'd cut back on drinking and didn't. So I'm left with.... Now what?
You can't get him to be accountable. Only he can do that. He either will, or he won't. In other words, you're in "let go and let God" territory.
If it was me I'd consider telling him that if it happens again I'm changing my number. Don't let yourself get manipulated.
Thank you both. I really appreciate the feedback. My mind's been racing over this all day. I've been dealing with this behavior for nearly a decade and it's gotten increasingly worse as evidenced by these suicide threats. I think I've been feeling a bit of guilt/remorse because these past few days have really gotten to me. This past weekend he went into a drunken rage and I told him that I was sick of his crap and to either do something about it or shut up. These past few days he's repeatedly been saying "I'm nothing but a disgrace to you." :aargh4: is my response.
I don't know where your friend lives, but many states have a procedure where someone addicted to drugs and/or alcohol can be forced into treatment, upon petition by an "interested person". In Massachusetts, we call it a "Section 35" after the law, and anyone with an interest in someone's welfare can petition the court for it. A warrant is issued for the person (which must be served when the court is open), and the police then bring the person to court to be examined by a judge, who can order the treatment involuntarily if necessary. I've done it dozens of times for homeless chronic alcoholics who land on my radar screen, and while I don't hold high hopes that it's ever resulted in long term sobriety for any of them, it at least gets them dried-out and provides them with a bed and hot meals for 30 days. I also did this procedure several times with my mother, who eventually drank herself to death at age 56. One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I eventually gave up, and stopped sending her away for 30 days at a time. If you do care about this person, don't give up, and maybe the 9th, 15th, or 23rd time they get forced into treatment is the one that will "take".
Bruce, Thank you! I had no idea something like this was possible. Right now, I have no idea what's going on with him. My assumption is that he was placed into the psychiatric ward of the local hospital again. I was looking into something similar to Section 35 and stumbled across this site: Ohio - Treatment Advocacy Center It states "Any person can initiate proceedings for court-ordered treatment by filing an affidavit." By the looks of it, it appears that by gathering a bit of background information I could submit the affidavit through probate court: Ohio Department of Mental Health & Addiction Services > Treatment > Affidavit of Mental Illness I see some additional challenges beyond the obvious. My friend is 40 years old and still lives with his father (his mom dad two years ago and that seems to have made everything worse). In fact, he's never left home. He has a brother that lives at home as well so BOTH of these dudes know what's going on. I don't know either of them very well, but they are either the biggest enablers of all time or completely indifferent. My friend's alcohol problems are a secret to no one. I just don't know what would happen if I tried to have a discussion with his family members and I honestly don't even know how to approach it because we are essentially strangers.
You are correct. People will do as they wish, all you can do is pray and hope to be a positive influence on them. You can't force anyone to change if they do not wish to do so.
Thanks for chiming in. I greatly appreciate the perspective. I kinda feel like I'm in a pickle because I'm getting married just a few weeks and he's invited. Now, because of his history I deliberately did not make him part of the wedding party... he's way too unreliable for that. But he insisted that he would be there. After this latest episode, though, I've been considering just cutting ties for good which of course means he would be uninvited to the wedding. Our wedding is going to be open bar and, selfish though it may seem, I can't risk this guy making an ass of himself and embarrassing me and my bride. So when I start thinking in these terms, I start to feel a lot of guilt particularly because the guy has almost no friends but it also seems like the logical thing to do.
It's your wedding, and you shouldn't feel guilty about disinviting someone who you have every reason to believe will be disruptive. One should be compassionate one step beyond what is reasonable... but not two steps beyond.
You're very welcome, I wish I could offer more assistance. Having a loved one who's a chronic alcoholic is awful, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. In many ways it's worse than drugs, because alcohol is socially acceptable and available everywhere, so temptation is around every corner. If your friend is resistant to AA (which many are, I don't like the higher power thing and their preachy attitude), you might want to suggest Smart Recovery, which is based on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Self Help Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®
