What Happened After I Watched A Young Woman Get ‘Etiquette Shamed’ At The Grocery Sto

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussions' started by Abner, Jul 20, 2016.

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  1. Abner

    Abner Well-Known Member

  2. cookderosa

    cookderosa Resident Chef

    From the article - etiquette shaming is basically not saying thank you or some kind of reciprocity.

    I have to tell you, I'm really on the wayyy other side of this. When my kids were very little, a twerp neighbor who was with us in the car snapped to me VERY LOUDLY "Mrs. DeRosa, someone owes me a BIGGGGGG APOLOGY! He didn't thank me for (whatever the heck it was)"
    When you're a parent, things like that kinda force you to take a "position" on issues in a way that makes you look like you have all the answers- especially when they are in your face. But honestly, in that moment I realized with perfect clarity that while it would have been nice for my son to say thank you, the REAL thing I wanted was not to teach that the social dance was the most important (reciprocate) but rather to initiate - and that's ALWAYS been very important. It will be my sons that hold the door open, and they would never snap about an expectation of reciprocity. From that moment in the car, my party line was and is "manners are what YOU do for other people." The end. I say it often (less now that it's part of their DNA but you get the drift) You don't do nice things with ulterior motives, you do nice things because YOU have good manners. Frankly, I find the expectation of gratitude obnoxious.
     
  3. Abner

    Abner Well-Known Member

    I hear you. I will always do things like open doors for people because that is how I was raised. Having said that, it is also good manners to say "Thank you" when people do things for you. Do I expect it? No. but it is nice to see when i see it, it shows that person was raised to have good manners.
     
  4. cookderosa

    cookderosa Resident Chef

    yes, which confirms my position- good manners are what YOU do. Saying thank you is different than expecting someone to say thank you to you. Just my two cents in this big bad world
     
  5. Abner

    Abner Well-Known Member

    I have said it before, and I will say it again, you are a good mom and your boys are lucky to have you as a mom. :) Maybe it's the fact that you have a son who is color blind, but I felt the need to tell you, and only you that I suffer from a certain disorder quite a while back. It is kind of a weight off my shoulders, because I guess it is something I don't like to talk about or admit. I often combat my disorder with humor, and I also find that you have a great sense of humor. :) I am not sure why I am saying this, but there it is.

    :smile: Keep teaching your kids the right thing to do, and that it is ok to be different.
     
  6. Neuhaus

    Neuhaus Well-Known Member

    You may have misread the article as it seems to fall on "your side."

    To quote the basis of the article:

    The "shaming" wasn't the expectation of saying Thank You. The shaming was the jerk who rudely called out the young woman for not saying thank you promptly enough for his tastes. The guy doing the "shaming" was doing the exact sort of thing you were recalling.

    I believe in politeness and in common courtesies. However, I also have limits. A few years ago a co-worker sneezed. I said "Bless you." Then she sneezed again. I said "Bless you, again." Then she sneezed again, and again, and again. A very quick succession of sneezes. No appreciable time passed between each sneeze.

    After my second "Bless you" I felt that my obligation had been met. I went back to work. She stomped over to my office after her sinuses were done having convulsions and said "What, I only get two 'bless yous?'" I said something like "After the first two you were just milking it for attention."

    Her indignation and my snark were both somewhat tongue-in-cheek. We're coworkers and we know each other. But it's the sort of interaction I've had with strangers as well because I didn't throw out enough thanks to the person needlessly holding the door open for everyone walking into the store or to the person who pointed out that there was a self-checkout available for my use.

    Granted, if I'm spacing out and I forget to thank someone for pointing out a self-checkout, I'm being a bit rude. But the response to that is not, as one of the people in the comments suggests, to shame me into modifying my behavior.

    It does, indeed, take a village to raise a child. But then the child grows up and learns what a bunch of obnoxious busybodies comprise said village and he starts reading Thoreau and hanging out in the woods and leaving snarky comments on a web forum.
     
  7. Maniac Craniac

    Maniac Craniac Moderator Staff Member

    I think the opposite is also a huge problem, when we DON'T speak up in public when we really, really should. Social sanctions are among the first lines of defense when keeping each other in check.

    That said, I was etiquette shamed, myself, not too long ago. I was walking up to an auto parts store when some guy on a cell phone opened the door wide open and just stood there, not walking through. I gently tiptoed my way around him so that I could enter the store and he immediately snapped at me with a snarky, insistent "YOU'RE WELCOME!". Without looking into his eyes, I quietly squeaked out a "thanks..." and walked away from him.

    I don't know what he really expected me to do. Wait until he eventually decided to walk through the door? Interrupt his cell phone conversation to ask him to step aside? Or, did he actually want me to thank him for something he wasn't even intentionally doing for me? What? What?! I dunno, but I was the bad guy.

    Another quick story! Last summer, I was an attendant for a large convention when a man walked into the auditorium having a very loud cell phone conversation. By the time I reached him, the conversation was over, but I asked him, politely, to hold any future phone conversations outside. He ERUPTED in anger, screaming at me that he had already turned his phone off and put it away and that there was no need for me to have confronted him... yeah.

    Anyway, not 2 minutes later, he meekly asked me if I would help him find a seat. Which, of course, I did.
     
  8. cookderosa

    cookderosa Resident Chef

    Abner, you are, quite literally, the only person in my entire life that has said I have a great sense of humor. THANK YOU KIND SIR! Clearly you "get me" and I appreciate that!
    P.S. Completely derailing this thread - but I have ordered my 15 year old a pair of glasses called EnChroma. He uses Rx lenses, so they cost quite a bit. Actually 3 of my 4 sons are color blind, so if these are as amazing as they are touted, we will invest in the other 2 as well. (the older one thinks it's a hoax and our younger is still quite young and isn't using corrective lenses yet, so the 15 year old was the best guinea pig)
     
  9. cookderosa

    cookderosa Resident Chef

    You're right- my reply was lazy. I didn't really give a good segway between the article and my own position.
     
  10. Abner

    Abner Well-Known Member

    Oh wow! I hope those work out well for them. I will keep my fingers crossed. Yeah, I find you to be quite funny. Like when you you chimed in on my thread about "hornet spray". You had me cracking up when you said you went running from some yellow jackets that were stinging you and got so crazed that you tore your clothes off! he he! It was probably one of those things that wasn't funny at the time, but sure sounded funny when you told the story afterward! :) To laugh is a good thing.

    P.S. My hand is healing up so so from those chemicals/hornet spray that got on my hand. I am going to ask my PCP for a referral to a dermatologist/specialist. My fault for not using gloves! I won't stop using the spray though, that stuff kills instantly! I will just be more careful.
     
  11. cookderosa

    cookderosa Resident Chef

    LOL....wow. The ways the internet has changed my life and how/who I connect with is numbering in the millions.
     
  12. Herlinda Obert

    Herlinda Obert New Member

    Very, very rude!!! Nobody told him to open the door for her. People these days! SMH
     

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