We need help on how to interpret what our friend has recently been saying

I know that this isn't an educational topic. I am posting this in the off-topic section. Further I do know that this isn't a standard issue that you normally deal with but my friend and I need your help to interpret what our friend has stated to us and to get some opinions and views on the matter. The following is the situation that has happened:

I was visiting one of my friends one day and he had stated that he was going to go to a club with a friend of his and that they would spend the night there. He works with this person and all. They had a good time but what shocked me is that this friend of mine said that he saw this friend of his nude. He talked about it and it seemed strange to me at the time that he would even say something about this because I have seen guys nude before and also had other encounters but it would mean nothing to me and I would feel no reason to have to bring this up. I thought obviously this must have made an impression on him and there must have been something that compelled him to bring it up.

This same day later in the evening we were hanging out with this other friend and he mentioned something about this guy and this other guy friend stated "Yeah I have already heard about that you saw him nude and know all about it."

In another conversation prior this same guy that was telling me the story told me that he tried to talk with this guy about gay stuff. When he tried to talk to this guy about gay stuff this guy wasn't happy about it and basically he said that he doesn't talk with him about it because he gets upset about it. This guy that is mentioning all of this claims that he isn't gay or into guys at all. But, what was strange is that same night that we had gone out the guy who brought up all of this stated that he likes to do tag teams and then he proceeded to mention this guy again (this is all he talked about) and that he would do a tag team (this guy, him, and a girl).

Later when I had hung out with that one guy that he told and me we thought that it was strange that he would tell us about this guy being nude and that it seemed like it obviously had meant something to him and we proceeded to wonder if he is in fact gay? We also felt that it was awkward that he talks with guys about gay things which suggests that he is making a point to see whether a guy is open to gay things or whether they are receptive to it. We then thought it was strange that he would go to the next phase where it seems like he found out this guy that he brought up is obviously not into the gay thing and that he then went out of his way to find out if he would do a tag team (this guy that he mentions, him, and a girl). We asked him if he has ever talked with a girl about it and he said no. So why would he go to a guy to find out?

My friend and I accept him no matter what. But, we wanted to get your opinions and views on this. What do you think of him feeling so compelled to tell us that he saw this guy nude? Do you agree that if you had the same situation happen that you wouldn't feel compelled to mention it? What do you think of his sexuality? Any input would be greatly appreciated. I would post this on another forum but quite honestly I don't know of any, and also we wanted to get general feedback from people and to see what you make of it? Thank you very much.

 

I guess Steve Levicoff, more or less the Dan Savage of distance learning, hasn't been around much these days. So the quality of your answer may suffer.

It might also be hard for the casual reader to tell the players in the drama apart, with at least two of them inconveniently named "this guy." :tongue:

It sounds like your friend may very well be somewhere in some big broad space of 'being into guys,' that he may well be drawn to men in particular, in some particular way.

And he could be in that space without also be in in the space of 'wanting to have sex with a guy.' Or 'considering himself,' or 'wanting to identify as, gay or bisexual.'

 

I appreciate your comment. It just seems strange that he brings up about that guy being nude and that he talks about gay stuff with guys. He has said that him wanting to do stuff with a girl with another guy makes him bisexual in front of this girl and me forgot to mention it. Then when I later talked with him about it he basically avoids it and sort of denies it. It seems like he tries to talk about gay stuff with guys to see if their open to it and if they are he continues to talk about it which suggests he trying to find out if their into gay stuff and if he finds out a guy isn't then he resorts to finding out if their open to doing a tag team (him, a girl and another guy) which suggests then it becomes a bisexual thing for him.

He has also said that when I asked him if he would do stuff with another guy he said that if he were out of town and no one was around like family and friends and there was no chance of any rumors he says that there's a 40% chance that he would then he later takes it back and then goes back and forth. He has also said just because he does something with another guy doesn't mean that he's gay. This suggests that he is basically blocking out that he is doing something gay when and if he were to do something with another guy.

The thing is that I appreciate any feedback that you can give to me. My friend and I would accept him no matter what but it just is awkward that he brings this stuff up randomly and basically we're trying to find out what's going on and how to deal with the situation. Any input or feedback would be greatly appreciated. We want to get all kinds of opinions because maybe there is something that we're missing and others have more opinions or views on what might be going on with our friend. Thank you.

 

It sounds like he's at least curious about, or exploring at loud, the idea of doing something sexual with another man, but he doesn't want to identify as gay or bisexual.

From what I understand that's not uncommon. Increasingly often, scholars, professionals and activists who deal with sexuality use the terms men who have sex with men and women who have sex with women, to try to address the behaviour without necessarily tying it into a personal or social identity.

How should you deal with the situation? Let him be himself? Don't make him feel obliged to identify as bisexual, or gay. Maybe at some point he will; maybe he won't. Vive la différence?

 

I understand that I should just let him be himself. I would agree with you that it could be just curious in his behavior wanting to do stuff with other guys and all. He has said that when it comes to his sexuality he basically says that he's sexual. So maybe that it where he's at as far as comfort wise.

The thing is that I don't think that it's so much curious anymore as this behavior with him has been going on for over 3 years now and it seems like that's a long time for it to just be a curious thing and all. Plus, it just seems awkward that he randomly brings this stuff up all the time to us about gay stuff and guys and various things that suggest he's either gay or bi or possibly a little both.

And when it comes to relationship with girls he has lived with a couple of them and basically treats them bad. His former girlfriend would want to be close to him and all and he wouldn't be willing to and would begin to sit close to one of his guy friends and also would sleep in the same bed as them and do this in front of his girlfriend and I have witnessed it and it just seems strange.

It just seems like he is making his life really complicated and that is how he describes his relationship is complicated. We just want him to be happy and it just appears that he is living a secret life and that this is why he seems not content and keeps going back and forth and all.

I don't expect him to have to tell me who he is, but quite honestly it just seems like he keeps bringing up these random things to us for some reason. And it's like we're trying to be friends and by him bringing it up all the time we just want to let him know we accept him and to try to help out in any way that we can. In other words, there has to be some particular reason why he randomly tells us both about this but he doesn't act this way around his other friends. That's what we're confused about and don't know what to do and to be honest it kind of gets old him bringing this up all the time when he's around us and he says one thing then it's another and it sort of seems like he's not being honest with us about things and again we can't make him admit it, but why would he make statements that he would do something with another guy (obviously privacy is a concern and no one finding out) then it's like he takes it back. Then say that because he wants to do stuff with him, a girl, and including another guy in the situation (threesome) that he is bisexual and the take it back. It's like why bother to make such statements as it suggests that he means it but once it is mentioned he takes it back.

We want to be friends with him and all but it just gets to be awkward that he keeps resorting to this behavior so by him bringing it up or making these statements that is why I ask him about it or my friend does so that we can try to help or see why he keeps saying all of this stuff.

 

Here is my advice potpourri. Take a Xanax and let the guy figure it out for himself. j/k

Abner :smile:

 

I guess the reason why I am asking this is that there is some reason why my friend keeps mentioning these random things and it is hard for me to understand why he keeps saying all of this stuff to me and he does it on a regular basis.

It is basically like he is trying to tell me something or there is a reason why he behaves in this fashion and that is what I am trying to figure out. I just think that something needs to be done because it has been going on for a long period of time and that is why I was trying to get as much feedback, opinion, and views from others to see if anyone else has experienced the same thing with one of their friends or someone.

Any input would be greatly appreciated. I understand that I can't make him admit his sexuality, but there is some reason why he keeps doing this?

 

Wake up and smell the coffee!

 

I am disappointed in the way that you guys have interpreted me. In other words, you treat me like I'm the bad guy and that it's ok for my friend to do this to me and that what he is doing is perfectly fine and that I should take a xanax and that I should wake up and smell the coffee.

I was trying to get some perspective as to why you think he is acting this way and bringing up these random things and perhaps what I could do to try and get it resolved. Even possibly some suggestions as to maybe what you would do because he is obviously doing this for some reason and it has been going on for a long period of time and it's to the point of whether I should even be friends with him.

So thanks very much that it's perfectly fine for him to behave in this manner and that I'm the bad guy and that there's something wrong with me. That is really nice. I am only trying to be a friend and find a way to try to get this resolved and get some feedback, opinions, and views. But, clearly I am the one who is at fault and what he is doing is perfectly fine.

 

1. You're not the bad guy. You're asking a question as anonymously as you can. This is no different than an advice volumn request.

2. I think what others are trying to say (and be cute about) is that when someone is willing to chat about sexual things with another person, it's usually a tell that that person is at the very least comfortable with you and at the most sexually interested in you.

So it's either that he feels that you're someone safe to talk to or that he has feelings for you. You shouldn't be freaked out by either, it's natural.

I think that if a member of the opposite sex were speaking to you this way you'd have known innately one way or the other.

 

I apologize if I came across the wrong way and do appreciate what people have had to say.

I have discussed this over with a few friends and they say that what it boils down to is that I can't make him admit or come out when it comes to his sexual orientation. But, they do feel that it my right to let him know that when he behaves in this manner and that he keeps bringing up random things that I should maybe ask him what he is expecting from me, and why he is bringing these things up whenever I am around.

They say that if he is a real true friend that he should be willing to be honest with me and to understand that it is bothering me. They mention that if it were them to tell him to stop making statements if in fact their not true and that you don't want to hear it anymore unless he wants to talk about it and be serious.

My question for this forum is do you agree with the approach that my few friends have recommended or do you think I should just let it be? In other words, if you were dealing with a friend that was behaving in this manner with you what would you do? Or, do any of you have any other recommendations? Thank you.

 

If you're hoping that your friend will be honest with you then maybe you have to start by being honest with him. The honest response is to tell him that you're confused about what's happening. Why not just start there?

 

I would let it be. By no means is he necessarily dishonest. He may be questioning or bi-curious or just anywhere higher than 0 on the Kinsey scale. He could come out of it to a firm identification in a week or a year; the identification could be straight - the prior interest in men could have been a phase, or situational - or he could like he is now forever. Let that be.

Now, you say he's treated his girlfriends badly. If you want to call him on something, how about that?

Jonathan, waiting for royalties from Wikipedia now :tongue:

 

Not necessarily. Women have complained about clueless men since Adam!:laughing:

 

Just tell him to suck it up and move on. Oh wait, don't tell him that...