How to deal with an embarrasing mistake?

A friend of mine recently got a DUI and was horrified that they had allowed themselves to make a poor judgment call when it came to driving under the influence of alcohol.

I explained to them that it's not the end of the world for them, but has anyone else had this similar experience and how did you cope with dealing with the agony and embarrassment of such a situation. As we know drinking and driving don't mix, but at the same time mistakes do occur.

I'm trying to encourage my friend that they need to learn that they made a mistake and that it will be a costly one, but that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I would get some feedback from others on this forum to see if they had any insight as to how I can encourage my friend and at the same time deal with such an embarrassing situation.

 

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Sorry man, not a fan. I guess the up side is that he didn't run over my kid. My perspective is that embarrassment, fear, regret, and shame are all good guard rails.

 

Tell them to pay their dues and admit they're wrong and get their case over with. Martha Stewart is a great example of the power of taking your medicine and moving on. She might still be fighting her case today, but she went to jail and is back in business.

 

Your friend's embarrassment is only significant if it serves the purpose of stopping him from doing it again. I'm glad he's embarrassed. He should be embarrassed. He's lucky to be alive. He's lucky he didn't hurt somone. Don't try to save him from the natural consequences of his own actions, he's supposed to feel bad. Let him feel bad. It just might help him to not do it again.

 

Horrified that he got caught or horrified that he did wrong and put lives at stake? Mistake is when I spelled it "misteak." The friend should man (woman) up, take the medicine and not do immoral and illegal things any more.

 

Can't happen...we all do bad things from time to time. Probably, he/she can avoid driving drunk again, however.

 

Miss Steak is female bovine on a platter.

 

Are you absolutely positive it was a one time thing?

If so I would still suggest your friend go talk to a councilor? If it could have been a more then one time thing make that a substance abuse councilor. Either way, just like children need to know there are consequences of their actions so do adults. If this was just a mistake then in 6 months or a year it will be past and he/she can have paid the price and gone on with life.

I have known people who have driven drunk "just one time" and caused death or severe disability. Your friend needs to Thank God that the only punisment she/he has to pay is a short term legal one.

 

A DUI prevents a non-Canadian citizen from visiting Canada for 5-10 years
http://www.seattle-duiattorney.com/dui/canada.php

A DUI conviction can also cause a job application to be rejected.

A DUI conviction will cause car insurance premiums to rise (and some car rental companies will refuse to rent you a car).

 

Ok, let's play a game. How many times have you EVER driven over the speed limit?

Now, what is your rate of getting caught?

In my personal life, I'd estimate I drive 12 x/week and speed at least 2x/week, sometimes on purpose and sometimes on accident. I have been driving for 25 years- I have been caught speeding only once.

So, when someone is caught for driving drunk, it's never the first time, it isn't human nature to be a sober law abiding driver today, and a drunk driver tomorrow. Humans graduate. First driving after only 1 drink....then after 2, then then then. Their judgment is impaired. That's the point.

This is an actual "thing" studied by psychologists- it's called the psychology of near miss. In a nutshell, even sober people are crappy at judging risk, and overestimate their skill or ability, so they keep playing. Drunks, as you can imagine, are even worse at it.

 

The main goal of enforcement is to make sure drivers believe there's a risk. The NHTSA field sobriety course claims that if you're DUI you have only a 1/2000 chance of getting caught! There's no wonder that drivers play the odds. The good thing is that many convicted DUI drivers quickly reform, because they realize that getting caught is a reality. DUIs, like the subject of this post, are otherwise law-abiding and find being arrested very tramatic. It also prompts a lot of substance abusers to finally admit they have a problem. There's no more fooling yourself that you're in control when you're in the jailhouse.

 

My friend is taking this whole DUI conviction very hard and is very disappointed with the choice that they made. The person has never had a criminal record and this would be the last thing that anyone would ever suspect that they would engage in.

I have told them about the responses on this forum. This person has also received very bad receptions from family members and friends. I can understand why and this is something that is taken very seriously in our society and it is that there is no tolerance for DUI.

My friend said that they will take their punishment seriously and deal with the consequences. In fact, their also going to totally surrender their drivers license and give it up entirely. They feel honestly that they shouldn't have the right to drive whatosever anymore and felt that if they ever wanted to get their license back that it should be after 5 years.

This person will now be a criminal and considered an "alcoholic," from societies standpoint and they hardly ever drink. I honestly feel bad for my friend in the sense that this can happen to anyone and that's why a device should be installed in every vehicle that is sold that can detect alcohol before a person can start a car and this would prevent this sort of thing from happening. It would at least give a security mechanism to help to deter it from happening.

Although there is no excuse for what my friend did, there are some people who aren't "alcoholics," and "criminals," but there is no differentiation between that and people who make this a common habit. Yes, they can learn from it, but if these mechanisms were put in place on cars ahead of time just imagine how much that this would reduce the drivers ability to do so, when their vehicle wouldn't start if it detected any kind of alcoholic consumption.

My friend isn't trying to make an excuse. But, this could happen to anyone and that's why if there was a mechanism installed on all cars regardless of whether a person is an alcoholic or not it would at least impede them from being able to operate their vehicle and make them think before they drive. It may not be bullet-proof, but it would at least be an extra step to help someone in the process.

 

It sounds like you are going out of your way to make excuses for your friend. You used the phrase "this could happen to anyway" 2 different times during the above post. Actually, no, this could not happen to anyone. This could NEVER happen to people that either don’t drink at all or people that make sure not to drive when they have been drinking.

Personally, I would find it rather insulting to have to blow into a tube every time I start my car. I don't drink... never have. Basically, you are suggesting that because your friend and others in society are too irresponsible to not drink and drive that I have to pay for that irresponsibility by first, paying the extra money it would cost to install all of these devices in every new car, and then secondly, the inconvenience of dealing with this device every time I start my car.

Whatever happened to personal responsibility?! I will now jump off of my high horse...

 

You don't have to actually have a tube in order to detect how much alcohol the person has had. There are other ways of detecting such as when you come into your vehicle and smell like alcohol when you out your hands on a steering wheel.

In fact, this has been proposed in the past. To me what's the difference between that and having an air bag, daytime running lights, and other ways to keep drivers safe? I too would be embarrassed to have to breathe into a machine in order to let the car start up, but by having some other device that would be acceptable without having to actually breathe into a tube would be a good thing.

No different than a car being equipped to keep you from running off the side of the road and correcting itself (a driver that falls asleep). My point isn't to make excuses for the driver, but rather to say that with all advanced technologies that this would be another way to deter drivers from making bad choices.

In other words, yes what my friend did wasn't right and they take responsibility for that. At the same time, it only takes one bad decision (judgment) to make a big mistake such as my friend did, and this would be a way to make it impossible for someone to be able to get into their car and start it up. I'm not trying to make excuses for my friend, just simply saying that this is a means to help curve the problem.

 

To compare airbags and daytime running lights to a device that detects blood-alcohol levels is a bit preposterous. Your closest parallel is that of the device that tries to keep you awake when you are drifting. However, it can be difficult to tell if you are too tired to be driving and thus susceptible to dozing off. It is not difficult to know if you have been drinking before you start driving.

So, you are saying that there is a device that can detect your blood-alcohol level by putting your hands on the steering wheel or collecting the scent from inside the vehicle? I have not heard of this, please link me to this...

Moreover, my point is that you may be enabling your friend a little based on your use of phrases like "embarresing mistake" and "it could happen to anybody." Your friend does not need pity. Your friend needs a dose of reality.

My brother got a DUI several years ago while he was in med school and he almost got kicked out. He never took responsibility for it and he blamed the standards by which one is considered drunk and everything else he could think of. He also had people around him like you that told him that it was ok and that it could "happen to anybody." Guess what happened? He got another DUI about 1 year later and he got kicked out of his residency.

 

Not quite what you describe but here is something. I'm sure other brands exist.

Starting at $75
http://www.breathalyzer.net/index2.html?gclid=CLyDpIHJvaACFRednAodqnYSTw

This device won't prevent someone from driving, but can alert someone to the fact that they shouldn't be driving. It also removes one excuse (I didn't think I was drunk. I didn't drink that much.) I've heard of suggestions for similar things be required for people who've had DUIs.

 

]It sounds like you are going out of your way to make excuses for your friend. You used the phrase "this could happen to anyway" 2 different times during the above post. >>

I agree!
So, this "happened to" your friend? Wow, poor guy. I'm glad things like that don't happen to me. I must be really lucky.
<DEEP sarcasm>

 

I don't believe it's that simple. Even the founder of MADD, Candy Lightener, has opposed how low a threshold some states have set for DUI. No legislator loses their seat for being "tough on drunk drivers", and often the science behind it doesn't matter. You want to tell me that anyone who has a .08 blood alcohol level is impaired? I don't buy it.>

The numbers don't even matter Steve. Clearly the driver's (lack of) ability is what justifies getting pulled over. Cops don't arrest people for having a .08 BAL - that's not against the law. They arrest people for driving while intoxicated....which wouldn't have been revealed if the driver were competent behind the wheel.

 

I don't think anyone is "dumping on the guy with the DUI." We are dumping on the guy that is trying to justify the behavior as "it could happen to anybody."