New Medications for Women Only D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. S E X C E D R I N More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome. N A G A M E N T When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
