Losing my "umpfh" and desire....

Hello all,

Admist all these new college graduates - both online and in my own home town, I am looking at myself and realizing how tired I am of going to school. It has been an enormous undertaking, and I am worn out. I don't mean to be a downer, but I need to vent my feelings out - though not to anyone directly. Support is definately desired.

As many of you might recall (if you've read previous postings by me) I am presently 34. I originally started college at 19. After more setbacks and trials than I could shake a stick at between 19-23 years old, I gave myself a break from college to grow up. My grades at that time, looked like a kid who had no focus, no cares, and who most instructors never knew becasue I hardly ever went to class. You might be thinking right now "good plan", and in a way it was...because it was difficult to focus and be serious in school given those trials and so forth. While I would have loved to be able to focus and get through school despite the world happening around me, I know rationally that would never have been possible.

So, I returned to a community college here in Oregon when I was 28, and have gone to school straight through to the present (minus summers). I will be entering what I hope is my final stretch consisting of a half year period (to total 6 1/2 years of work for a BS-Philosophy degree from age 28 to now).

I have acquired 3 national honors during my recent period of time in school, in addition to several community college honors when I attended there. The national honors are "Phi Theta Kappa", "Psi Beta" (from academic work in Psychology) and "The National Dean's List" - the last of which I have been awarded for all 6 consecutive years thus far. This is no small task to say the least. My current GPA is slightly below a 3.0 in my major, and I have two quarters (I'm giving my that amount of time) to bump it to a 3.0 . I am not sure if I can do it, and in a very real way, I am creating my academic history. I want to feel proud of myself when I am done, but I am too busy being tired and frustrated at the sense that time is dragging its proverbial feet.

I recently enrolled with Excelsior College, and by my estimation I should be through with my BS degree in Philosophy by March 2006. (Time is really slowing down). I'll take classes at Portland State University, transfer the credits, do the EC 1 credit ditty (information "waste my time" literacy course) and hopefully...hopefully...be done.

Now, all that said...I'm afraid I don't have it in me to finish. I mean, I am really sick of school. Most of this feeling is based on preconceived ideas of when one was 'supposed to go to college", the other part is that I am not geting any younger. I am looking at the need for a Master's degree in the future (probably after a year's break)...its just insane.

I don't mean to ramble, but I could really use some words of encouragement, strength from older students, ideas on getting through it, etc. I am so close, I don't want to bail out of fear (all you psych majors) or exhaustion.

I appreciate this forum too, and it has been quite helpful. Thanks for being here.

 

Shawn,
Remember things can always be a bit tougher, wasn't it the World War Two "doggie' that coined the term " Got to keep on keepin' on!"
Best, Gavin

 

Every single person I know who has gone through the traditional route has felt the same way. It happens in cycles. When it comes to individual classes you start out excited, then a few weeks into class you lose your momentum, start to falter, and feel there's no light at the end of the tunnel, then you pick up steam and finish out the class. The same pattern seems to hold true for the degree process. Maybe you should take an "easy" test for an extra credit or two to give yourself a boost? Either way, I'm sure you will start to see that dim light at the end of the tunnel. You will start to get excited again and all will be well. This seems to be a normal part of the whole "process". I find myself excited about finishing most of the time now, but for awhile there I was truly ambivalent if not downright depressed about the whole deal. I'm going to bet we are both in good company.

 

If you are scheduled to graduate with a Bachelors in March of 2006, then it is imperative that you stay on your course. If you drop out now, you will regret it for the rest of your life - or until you re-enroll again.

I too took the long route (see below), but I never quit. Nay, never!!! As a traveling man, you can see how many colleges I attended, finally completing a a Bachelors degree at the age of 41.

 

Your thoughts are very kind. Thank you very much. It makes sense, I guess I just need to relax.

- S.

 

I attend a B&M traditional day program in the Fall and Spring semester of each year. I attend full-time (15-18 semester hours) and am studying music (flute performance). I am a male, a former nurse, my hobby is costume design and construction, and I play flute. If that wasn't enough -- I'm 42 years old.

At first it was a real challenge to stay motivated. Over the past three years I've come to be more than "that old guy..." and more of a "peer" to both faculty and students.

Like you, I face the "when you were supposed to go to college" issue every fall with a new class of freshmen who wonder what courses I teach. I tell them that I am an example of what happens if you take a semester off...

My best friend is now a 21 year old young woman who graduated this spring with her BA Magna Cum Laude and will be entering the same grad program I am heading toward. She's 2 years younger than my oldest son!

I bring that up because she and I have found that (aside from the many more years of life experience I have gained) we are not all that different even if I am twice her age.

That single observation, when it dawned on me, made all the difference in my motivations. It's not an "I and they" kind of place -- it's an "us". "We" have to make it through these classes and it's just as hard on them as it is on me. At least I don't have to worry over that whole dating thing in my evenings. And, I'm allowed to have a beer if I want to.

I found that I am an example to these young adults whether I like it or not. I found that they do indeed respect the fact that I have come back to finish what I started and that it would have been better for my life had I done it right the first time.

They look to me to see when it's time to "bitch and moan" about a class or a situation. They look at my grade in a class to guage whether they worked hard enough. And, sometimes too often, they come to me looking for answers to questions they can't seem to ask "authority figures".

I realized that I'm important to some of these young adults -- they hang in there because I hang in there. If "the old guy" can do it, well they can too. They buckle down sometimes because I said it was time to buckle down -- I'm not "professor" or mom and dad so maybe I'm right. I've been there, done that; we wear the same t-shirt on game day.

I know that I've made a difference in lives. I've been there a few times when being there was really important.

It's that knowledge that keeps me keeping on. It's knowing that my being in a classroom adds something to that classroom -- it adds a sense of importance -- "if the old guy is here -- it can't all be BS" -- I know too that the prof. isn't going to profess too much BS because I may just call him out on it.

It's knowing that I'm an example for them even when my being their example isn't obvious to me -- that makes me hang in and makes me walk the walk.

Hang in --- I bet you're making a difference you don't even recognize most days...

===================

129.99 semester hours - 3.78 GPA, targetting completion of what has been a very rigorous performing arts curriculum in Spring 2006. In a studio of 18-21 year old young women, most of whom can play circles around this old Army musician with no effort. And, I'm hangin' in this time until I run out of money or I get it finished.

 

Did you plan for yourself to have no degree and limited opportunities at 40? That is your alternative choice.

We can do nothing to stop the passage of time. Time passes whether or not you pursue a degree. After that passing of time, you can either have a valuable degree and greater opportunity, or after that passing of time you can still be absorbed in thoughts of a degree you don't have. One choice seems to be significantly better than the other.

 

It just sounds like you're burnt out. My advice is to take a month to relax and enjoy yourself. Chances are that you will recover and the urges you had to return to college in the first place will come back.

 

Shawn,

I'm not exactly sure if what I'm about to say will be helpful or not but here it goes....

We both started off pretty much the same with our less than lackluster academic achievements. Like you I didn't really know what I wanted to do. I started off majoring in Engineering Physics, then switched the Electrical Engineering, then to Liberal Arts undecided. When I dropped out of school the first time, my GPA was around 2.5. Since then I've made a couple of unsucessful attempts to complete my degree only to drop out again. Fortunately, my last attempt was the charm and I am graduating this summer with a 3.2 GPA overall in Computer Science. It wasn't easy and like you my zeal has waned since a enrolled at FSU over three years ago. Somehow, I've managed to get into a non-emotional state (for the most part) of just grinding out the work without worrying about the future or the past. If you are like me, sometimes my motivation seems to be assaulted the nearer I get to my goals.

Okay, here is the best part -- I'm 44 years old and this degree is just as valuable to me now as it would have been when I was 24. Unlike you, I'm in a field where there *was* a lot of employment opportunities for those without degrees even though that has changed in recent years. Even at 44, I've decided I still have two more degrees in me -- a masters in my field and a business related masters. When all is said and done I'll be in my early 50s, but I don't think that should be discouraging. From there to when I retire I'll be set as far as education goes to handle future career opportunities that will help me ensure that I have a comfortable retirement.

So, if I have any advice it would be this. Try very, very hard not to worry about what it takes to get from here to there. Just accept as part of your life that you have to grind out your studies each week. Just don't let anticipation get the better of you. Pretty soon you will be where you want to be.

 

Don't drop out. I thought of dropping out many times and I just think of the end result. Stay focused and think of how much better you will fel when it is over.

Don't even think of a masters at this point, look at completing one degree before starting another. Even if you drop out you know you will probably start again and it will take you even longer.

 

Let's remember that there are no time limits for these things; it isn't a race (you're well past the point where you will be the youngest to earn a bachelors, or masters, or doctorate and far too young to be the oldest). Education is a personal journey to broaden your understanding of the things around you even though many characterize college as a commodity with the product being a degree. Everyone takes a different road to get there. Unless you continually promote your degree attainment, the degree is simply silent testament that you've completed the educational program that you started. This does have merit in your future however as a measure of your worth and shouldn't be understated.

It would be a shame not to finish after so much work. Take a break or go easy until you rebuild your strength and motivation. Maybe even look for alternative avenues that spark your interest.

 

Hello brother,

Thanks for your kind thoughts. It feels good to know I'm not alone as I "limp" toward the finish line...lol.

- S.

P.S.: Email me the translation for "dcv" in your signature line if you'd be so kind. I am not familiar with it, though I'm sure it is linked with the Scottish Rite.

 

Hello,

Yeah...I love being reminded of this point...lol. Thanks so much...LOL. After 6 years and still doing school, time and I have gotten to know each other very well. Your last point makes much sense, and I'm trying to hold on to that idea. Maybe if I use the force....

- S.

 

Hello,

I am burnt out. I'm taking summer off (about three months). If I'm lucky, the way Excelsior College lays out their degree map for the BS degree, I won't have to take any more classes - except the 1 credit course from them, because some of those courses count twice in different areas. That is so cool. I only have 16-18 semester credits left to complete (taking classes on a quarter system and transferring the work). Maybe those credits will be absorb by the double counting in the "flow chart".

Thanks for your ideas.

- S.

 

My good man,

I did my undergrad degree at the "traditional" age of 18 to 22. I started my BA program at Mesa State College in Grand Junction, CO, the Fall of 1980 and, after my advisor retired in the Spring of 1983, I transferred to Western State College in Gunnison, CO, in the Summer of 1983, graduating in the Summer of 1984. Believe you me, when I graduated, I was rather a bit tired of school having taken six consecutive full-time upper-division semesters, summers included, without a break (18 hrs. in Fall 1982, 15 hrs. in Spring 1983, 15 hrs. in Summer 1983, 18 hrs. in Fall 1983, 18 hrs. in Spring 1984, and 12 hrs. in Summer 1984).

Well, my adult life has taken a few detours from what I thought it would. I attempted an MA in Social Studies with History Emphasis from Western State College in 1984-1985, but left this unfinished rather than using the opportunity to complete it during the program's phase-out period (which expired August 1989). A very foolish move, I dare say, as all I would have had to do wash finish a 30-page review of journal literature on Thucydides' philosophy of history and re-take a comprehensive exam on European history Since 1648 (this time, preferably, at a time when my brain wasn't totally soused with Drambuie on the rocks). Well, I proceeded on to attempt an MA in Mediaeval History at the University of Colorado at Boulder in 1985-1986, but left with a brain tumor and a less-than-wonderful GPA (and, again, with no piece of paper). I then, after having brain surgery, worked as a drill press operator for B & B Welding in Seattle, WA, from 1987 to 1990, not exactly a dream job, but, hey. I dis then earn an MBA in Entrepreneurship and an MBA in Marketing from City University in Bellevue, WA, in 1992 and 1993, respectively, while working an entry-level job in the marketing department of a private vocational school. I then attempted an MDiv at Faith Evangelical Lutheran Seminary in Tacoma, WA, in 1993-1994, only to leave after severe disagreements with my entire committee. Ithen enrolled in the MA program in Humanities with History Emphasis at California State University at Dominguez Hills in 1997 only to eventually wash in 2003 due to (a) having chosen a thesis topic that really didn't interest me much (Armor and Weapons of the Trojan War) merely because it mirrored my advisor's interests and (b) having taken an overload of courses in excess of minimum requirements while trying to write the thesis. I then enrolled in the MA program in Civil War Studies at American Military University at Manassas Park, VA (now of Charles Town, WV) in 2001 but washed in 2003 due to trying to take three courses a term while trying to do the CSUDH thesis but have been readmitted as of April 29, 2005. I expect to complete my degree by the March 2007 drop-dead date. I will be 45 years old when that happens. (Have you figured out yet why I sign myself "Theo the Educated Derelict"?)

I suppose I could complain about how things have gone. I suppose that I could complain that had I finished my MA in Social Studies/History at Western State College at age 23, I could have finishged my PhD in History at the University of Colorado at Boulder (or maybe even Harvard University?) by age 26 or 28. And I suppose that I could complain that, since I will be an old geezer of 45 when I MA in Civil War Studies at American Military University, I will in turn be an even older geezer of anywhere froim 48 to 55 by the time I finish either a PhD in Interdisciplinary Arts and Sciences/History at the Union Institute and University or the PhD in Military Studies/Civil War Studies at American Military University, depending on whether my approach is that of the three-year wunderkind or the ten-year academic smorgasboard.

Of course, it is perfectly legit to point out that the 37-39 year retirement package that one might get from completing the PhD at age 26-28 is rather a bit nicer than the 10-17 year retirement package that one might get from completing the PhD at age 48-55. But the point is: you can't do anything about water under the bridge or spilled milk or what have you. That's a sunk cost. What are you going to do to change the future? Like the old Ann Landers/Dear Abby column says: "Annie/Abby, I'd like to go for my PhD, but I really don't know if I should, because, if I do, I'll be fifty when I graduate in five years." Answer: "And how old will you be in five years if you don't get your PhD?"

 

Hello,

I can't tell you enough how hard I am trying not to focus on the idea of anything else except getting done. I'm told by friends that I will appreciate the degree more after it is over. But I have to wonder if I would have appreciated it any more than the young person who gets in and gets out in the standard 4 years at 18-22 years old? I'm only doing now what I had hoped to already finish, and to be in my first solid career (in the counseling/social service profession by now).

Just tell me I won't be too old...because that is what I fear the most when "all is said and done".

Thanks.

- S.

 

That's the part that I think makes it harder for you (at least it does for me.) Don't concentrate on "getting done." Just do your studies day-by-day like brushing your teeth and enjoy learning. I believe that concentrating on "getting done" can cause too much stress because there is nothing you can do to speed up time (no matter how hard you try!) Just relax, take it easy and take things day by day. I promise, when you finish (whenever that is) you won't be too old.